Regrets

In various internet media and the getting to know you stage of many relationships a question that comes up not infrequently is 'What is your biggest regret?' I have always responded that I have no regrets since the choices I have made, whether good or ill, have shaped me into the person I am today and I like that person rather too much to go tweaking her past.
I have decided however to admit one regret, if only because it is so small but still keeps jabbing at my mind from time to time. Considering the winds that guided the course of my life, I very much doubt that this one flap of a butterfly's wings would have made much difference in the person I have become, but it also demonstrates a character flaw I am still working to eradicate today.

I know you're bursting with curiosity, so I will get straight to it - What is my biggest regret?
My biggest regret is not having participated in a Shakespeare competition I had the opportunity to participate in one year in high school.
Well, that's a silly regret I can hear you saying. And I agree, which is largely why I allow myself to regret it. However, as seems to always be the case, there are extenuating circumstances that make it a little less silly.
When I was 10 a new girl came to my school who had certain things going for her that made me intensely jealous of her. Mainly, her parents supported her desire to pursue a performance art career at a young age and at 9 she already had an agent and not only roles in plays at theatres, but at theatres that people had actually heard of. Doors opened to her and occasionally a friend or two of hers that no one had realized weren't solid walls before she came along. I was not lucky enough to be a friend of hers, so I watched jealously over the wall as she breezed along and the gatekeepers fell over themselves to open their doors for this little starlet.
We, of course, both pursued theatre as an extra-curricular and while she didn't even have to show up to auditions to get the lead, I kept finding myself in the dance chorus with the occasional solo or walk-on. It seemed that everytime a larger part opened up to me, fate stepped in to snatch it away. Atypical snowstorms cancelling too many practices causing parts or entire productions to be cut became the norm for me.
In music class, we both took advantage of opportunities for extra credit via solo vocal performances. And though we both scored above 100%, I was always 5 points behind.
I didn't even try out for choir in high school, I was growing tired of being so frequently reminded that the most I could hope for was second best.

But, then, this Shakespeare competition came along. And one of the conditions for entry was that you could not have received any remuneration for a performance in the past year. This immediately disqualified Miss First Place. At last, here was my chance to bring home the gold.

Enter character flaw, stage left. I wanted to do such a performance with this one chance. I didn't want to use one of the suggested monologues that any number of other competitors would use. I wanted to find one that was just right. One that was obviously a challenge but not beyond my abilities. One that resonated with me so that I could bring it to life, ringing clear and bright as a bell, wowing judges and competitors alike. And I wanted to bring it to life in such a way.
I wish that I could say that I spent weeks poring over Shakespeare hunting for this brilliant monologue, but here enters another character flaw. My perfectionistic desire to dazzle is delibitatingly coupled with laziness. O, I pulled out my Complete Works of Shakespeare a few times, skimming my favorites for likely monologues. I even found a couple that had potential that weren't on the suggestion list. But the deadline for entry came and went while I dreamed of first place and failed to find a monologue that satisfied and never submitted the form.

I regret not working harder to find a monologue that was just right. I regret not lowering my standards and entering the competition anyway with a good monologue when a great one couldn't be found. I regret throwing away a chance at being Miss First Place. I regret that I let such a silly thing cast a shadow over the numerous times I have been Miss First Place. I regret that I'm not content enough with being Miss Went Out And Did It to have more chances at being Miss First Place.